Measi's Musings

Archive for February, 2005

The drive into work this morning was so pretty. We had some snow squalls overnight that left nearly every tree branch plastered with white. The roads were perfectly redusted, erasing the grime of cars from yesterday. It was so peaceful. I wish I’d had a camera to capture it. It helped brighten my mood a lot today.

I haven’t been writing a lot this month, I know. It’s honestly due to brain overload. I’m just really tired and feel like I’m going in about eighty directions at once. After work in the evenings, I don’t want to do anything. It’s affecting the condition of the apartment and the lives of those around me. I feel like I have a ton to do, but no energy to do it.

A good chunk of the problem is work– I’m worn out. I’m not happy. I’m tired of having to defend the things that I know are going on to people who don’t give a shit and want special treatment. I’m sick of hearing the back-ended gossip and having to bite my tongue on things I know are confidential (or simply know because I have slightly more corporate insider knowledge than a lot of people by being the admin). I get home and hear office rumors and complaints from my roommate and ex-coworker who doesn’t have the whole story– but thinks he does because he’s talking to his friends who work in the department. And again, I have to watch my words and opinions because things are confidential. It’s always been my thing to keep work and home separate if at all possible. Currently, it’s not happening. It drives me nuts.

I do want to explore a new career that’s not administrative related, but at the same time don’t know where I want to explore, so I’m unwilling to jump ship. Do I want to go back to school? Do I just need to hold tight until after the wedding? Is it just growing pains with our new cross-site manager and the new people? Lots of different things. I’m just not motivated or excited about work. I haven’t been for a while. I do need a change. But lots of things are changing in my life in the next year and a half or so, so whether or not I want to adjust everything at once is a huge issue for me. Lots to think about. Lots to consider.

Phone calls? I owe a few out to people. Letters, too. Birthday cards, too. Thank you cards, too. Beh. Andi– I got your message, FYI. Just been running crazy. I won’t be able to call you this weekend, but will touch base with you in the next couple weeks. Penpal letters. Web projects. Sorority events. I need to manage my time. I need to manage my life.

A lot of the problem also comes from the fact that I just cannot stay focused on things. I’m just sluggish and apathetic. I’d blame some of it on the winter– but it’s really me. I think I’m in a depressive bout, but want to get checked out. I’ve made an appointment for next month to see if it’s something chemical that can be rebalanced. (not that I’m thrilled about the idea of going onto antidepressants… but if it can help me function better, then it’s what needs to be done). This honestly could be the root of the problem– my brain just refuses to function some times. I’m willing. I want to. But I cannot move toward getting stuff done. I need to find the solution to that.

The one thing that is good? My sleep seems to be better. I’m only waking up once or twice a night. Usually due to Gus and his fascination with gravity or attention needs. Otherwise, I’m sleeping fairly soundly from 12:30 a.m. to around quarter of seven, when I start hearing things on my own. I wake up with the alarm or quarter of eight, whichever comes first.

Anyway… sorry for the depressive entry. The weird thing is… on the surface I’m feeling fine. I must be unconsciously bottling things up again.

Dammit.

After work, Erich and I headed into Boston to grab some Indian food for dinner. I’ve been craving some rich curries for a while now. When I lived in Boston, I had Indian takeout far more often than Chinese (simply due to the lack of respectable Chinese takeout/delivery places in Boston). It was at least a once per week thing at times when I was in my studio.

Erich has had the misfortune of going to Indian restaurants with me that weren’t on my frequented-in-Boston list. They leaned on the very hot, rather than complex and rich, tasting curries. That didn’t sit with him well, making him wary of the food last night.

But this time, I insisted on going to one of my favorite haunts– Taste of India on Huntington, or India Quality in Kenmore. I knew the curry levels there. I knew that “mild” curry would be just that. And I was pretty sure that he’d enjoy it.

Since I hadn’t been there since the fire burned out its original location in Kenmore a few years ago, I decided we should go to India Quality. Erich joked (as I often had) about never trusting a place with the word “Quality” in its name. But in this case, it actually is very good stuff. They have the best tasting mint chutney of any place in the city, and nothing comes out greasy or poorly made. I was amazed at the new digs for the restaurant. They have tables! This is amazing to me. The old restaurant was essentially inside an apartment. There were maybe five or six tables, all scrunched into what would be a Boston apartment’s living room. The new one looked to have twenty or so tables, nicely spaced. No more worrying about smacking a nearby diner in the head with your bookbag as you left…

And it’s very well priced. Always a plus.

Erich seemed pleasantly surprised this time by his food. He’s out of his element at an Indian restaurant, but decided upon the Lamb Masala (always a safe bet to start out with). It wasn’t too hot for him. He was able to enjoy it. I order my food “medium” in heat, and in the case of the dish I was having (Lamb Bahar), it was just a bit too spicy to enjoy the curry. But I still liked it a lot. Garlic Nan bread. Pampadum… yummy.

We left very stuffed and wandered across the street. I wanted to check the prices of a couple things at the bookstore (i.e. new hockey jersey) before we headed home. Sadly, hockey jersies have gone up $20 since I last bought one… so we’ll have to wait. Mine’s a bit ratty, but still definitely wearable. I’m not yet ready to drop $70 on a jersey when I’m not actively going to games at the moment.

*sigh*

We got home, had some intimate time, and watched the Beanpot game. Jason was kind enough to disappear for a little while so we could have the private time at home.

And for once, we were both exhausted by around 11 p.m. I don’t think either of us made to midnight.

I blame the curry.

I’ve been trying to figure out a good entry for Valentine’s Day. A letter to Erich? Using the format that Minarae used for her Feb. 12th entry? Talking about how I can sympathize with the Black Monday mentality about the holiday?

I’m finding that I can’t shoot a letter to Erich from the hip right now. Far too many things to say, but no words to express them. And some things which I’d simply rather show him now than write about in my journal.

Format from Min’s entry? It’s a wonderful idea… until my current living situation gets put into play.

Black Monday? I don’t want eggs (or the equivalent mental spam) thrown at me in my journal by the angry single folks out there who hate the holiday. I do sympathize. Which is why I always get a room.

But I have to write about SOMETHING. It’s somewhat obligatory, yes?

I’m not sure. I’m on completely new territory this Valentine’s Day. Things have moved past the cutesy hearts that say “Be Mine” on them and little stuffed animals with corny, sappy sayings on them. Not that I object to sappy, romantic, cheesy stuff at times– but you know what I mean. Hallmark Holiday rosewater and such.

Rings change the perspective of Valentine’s Day a bit. In a good way. In a more complicated, rich way. It’s not so much a day to impress as a day to celebrate the bond of love in all of its delicate layers.

“Be Mine” has turned into “You Complete Me.”

What words can I really express to expand on You Complete Me?

Little things– stuff that people other than Erich might not understand. Hell, even Erich might not understand why a particular thing strikes me. But it’s those little things that all add up to the collective whole. His purchase of tulips and irises last year for Valentine’s Day instead of roses… the calls to see if I want coffee from Marylou’s when he’s on his way home… being willing to pick up the penpalling mail at the post office… the enveloping cuddles in bed… his love of cats…

They all add up. And so many things just have no words to express.

I’m starting to realize that this is one of the reasons why formal unions may or may not work in the long term– that commitment between two people needs to have things that are so deep that words can’t express it. Or things so infinite that they cannot be spoken. There needs to be room to constantly explore, to grow– both as individuals and as a couple. If the opportunities of exploration stop, then the relationship will wither from the lack of new growth.

I’ve had the rare opportunity to be able to actually look back and see my mental state from before my relationship with Erich until the present. I started my online journal two months before I met him. To my eyes, at least, I see dramatic changes in how I view the world and myself. It’s a good thing. And it surprises me. I used to roll my eyes at the people who commented that their significant other completed them. I didn’t get it. I thought they were being overly romantic and sappy.

But I think in the last couple years– once Erich and I moved past the “just dating” phase to really starting a life together — I’ve started to get it.

I Love Him.

I’m A Better Person Because of Him.

He Completes Me.

Yeah, I get it.

I hate stomach bugs… but amusing things happen in houses during the daytime work hours. Especially on the Weather Channel, apparently:

Falling sharply? Sweet jeebus, it’s the end of the world. Apparently the Powers That Be finally realized the Red Sox won the World Series– They’re coming to collect now and freeze us over.

The Superbowl victory added the icing to the cake, you know.

—–

I haven’t mentioned the Superbowl this year. I’m very happy the Pats won. I enjoyed the game– it was very sloppy. But until the Eagles time mismanagement at the end of the game, it was ANYONE’s game. Can’t complain– at least it wasn’t a blowout.

Honestly, although I favor the Pats because I live here – the whole rooting for the home team thing — I was going to be happy either way. I grew up as an Eagles fan. My dad’s from Reading, PA. My mom’s from Easton, PA. I watched my father scream at the TV growing up every year. Apparently my dad can be heard 2,000 miles away on the sidelines — or so he thinks, anyway. I watched year after year as he began growling and grumbling about halfway through the season, vowing that THIS year was his last year rooting for his team. That dammit, he was going to root for the Vikings (proximity thing). This never happens, of course, and every year he sits down on Sundays, watching the torture.

I received engagement cards from family last week that had “The Pats are going down!” in the cards.

And yes, they will be added to the wedding scrapbook. Pats threats and all.

Needless to say, I’m keeping distance from all of my family this week. I know better than to walk into that lion’s den post-season anyway. The fact that this year the Eagles GOT to the Superbowl… and lost? Thanks but no thanks. I’ll let them mourn in silence.

—–

Meanwhile, since I was ill yesterday, I spent a lot of time on the couch working on my current stitching rotation. And as always, I have company while sitting on the couch. About mid-afternoon is one of the long napping periods for the three owners of the apartment. They decided to hang out next to me most of the day, confused at why a human was interrupting their normal sleeping cycles of the day.

Fizzy was fascinated by the cat that I was stitching, and informed me that she wanted to help:

Gus had taken over Fizzy’s winter hibernation spot (the bed under the lamp), which he’s entirely too large for these days, and was WATCHING her very closely. He wanted to pounce her, but was just too tired to move:

And Colley, being Colley, brought Cat Slutness to a new level yesterday. By evening, he just couldn’t stand it and did ANYTHING that he could to get attention, including scrunching himself into frightening positions, desperate to get tummy rubs:

How I managed to avoid most of the cat fur while stitching, I have no clue. Although I was stitching a Himalayin cat on the stocking– so added fur would probably just become part of the design…

Right?

Globat.com is having some connection problems– both my personal website (measi.net) and the sorority website (tbs-etagamma.org) are both dragging like hell.

Le sigh.

Anyway– I’m here. I’m alive. I’m very busy. So don’t worry if I’m not posting a lot this week. Just sorting through a ton of stuff at work and at home.

~ Mel.

It really helps to see what I actually HAVE gotten accomplished in a month. Yay me!

I’ve been working exclusively on Teresa Wentzler’s The Castle for all of January. This weekend, I’m going to be participating in a Stitch-A-Long (SAL) with others working on the same project. And then I’ll move to the next project (the cat stocking) in my rotation for a minimum of 10 hours, or (if I feel I’m in a groove) longer.

But prior to the SAL, I wanted to scan in my update. Here’s what’s changed in the last month…

January 7th, ’05…

February 4th, ’05…

My goals for this weekend are…

1) get the ears and neck done

2) Fill in the trees missing on the top half and backstitch all trees

3) Complete the top green section of the right wing

4) Work as much of the rest of the right wing as I can.

Not too bad, eh? I’d guess I’ve put in about 20 hours or so this month on my little guy… give or take a few. I spent a LOT of time backstitching the castle. Before I go to the bottom half of the pattern, I will backstitch the top half. Otherwise I’ll go insane at the end.

So… anyone have a suggestion for a dragon name? It seems that a lot of people who stitch this pattern name their dragons since they spend so much time on them. I’m open for suggestions…

do I have Hanson’s “Mmmm Bop” stuck in my head? I haven’t even HEARD it lately.

Gah.

Must. Get. Angsty. Music. On. Now.

Anyway… having an “eh” day. Just feeling very bleh. Erich and I are hitting the gym tonight. Hopefully that’ll get me feeling a bit better (although since I’ve been such a slacker, at least for tonight I’m expecting myself to feel like ass afterwards).

I didn’t watch the State of the Union. I did, however, read it this morning in its entirety so that I actually could see what he had to say. I can’t watch Bush speak. Between the drawl slur of his voice and his condescending swagger, I just can’t do it. I laughed when I read comments that people said he was such a great speaker, without the “theatrics” of New England.

Folks, I’m from the midwest. If that swagger of Bush’s isn’t theatrical, you have great reason to be concerned.

Sweet Jesus.

I honestly don’t get it. What do people see in this guy? He’s a liar. He’s an alcoholic. He acts so pompus when he speaks that it’s immediately alienating to anyone who doesn’t fall perfectly into his category of the preferred American. He is the epitome of a phrase I heard growing up often within the religious circles of my high school friends– “white and delightsome.”

Two points if you know the religion that actually has this as part of their tenets (but claims its outdated).

In the meantime, I’ve had one of the Bush fanatics commenting on my journal, making all of the wild assumptions that he generally makes about liberals– completely baseless ones that show that not only does he not care to have a dialogue with the other side, but that he takes only what he wants to hear and assumes it dictates all left-leaning political beliefs. Granted, he called one person on the Diary-X forums a whore for not having pro-current American political leanings. Nice, isn’t it? (*snort*) So really, his ability to discuss things as an educated, respectable adult are… questionable.

Because you know, I should assume that all conservatives have gun racks in the back of their truck, are going out lynching non-Christian Americans, and think that Pat Robertson is the best thing since sliced bread.

This is the type of jump that he makes. It’s astounding.

Anyway… so I read Bush’s State of the Union.

His comment on spending taxpayers’ money wisely made me laugh out loud. Apparently he hasn’t been paying attention to his own administration’s misspending the past four years.

Economy– Perhaps other areas of the nation are improving. Massachusetts is still in recession, if not continuing to decline. I don’t buy his claims that things are improving at all, considering the jumps in my health care costs, costs of living, and the amount of my friends who have been unemployed for a year or more.

Needless lawsuit regulation? Yeah, I can go along with that. I don’t see how he’ll do it. He has no substance there. It needs to get done. But given his pro-corporate stance, I see it as going along with anything a corporation wants to do, rather than protect consumers.

Health care? Sure… it would be nice for one of these presidents/presidential candidates to actually DO something to improve health care. I don’t believe he will do a damn thing. I swear politicians just throw health care in their speeches to just note that it’s a problem. They don’t actually ever DO anything about it.

Energy costs: The term “safe, clean nuclear energy” terrifies me. Sorry. It does. Three words: Three Mile Island.

Tax code: Great idea. Good fucking luck.

Immigration: Bush is the one who wanted to give amnesty to illegal immigrants during his first term. i.e. those entering the country ILLEGALLY. Yet he wants to track who is entering and leaving the nation and give temporary work permits. O-kay. And BTW, having heard from an Irish national who works in my office– the work visa has become a nightmare under Bush. It does punish those who just want to make a good living for their families.

Social Security– I have a suggestion. Lock the box against federal spending against the SS accounts. Stop letting the government borrow against it. So that the money that we ALL pay into it comes back out of it TO US. We already have private savings options– they’re called 401K’s (which not everyone can get, but they’re pretty prevalent now) and IRA accounts (which ANYONE can get– it just needs to be set up). Moving everything to privatized accounts would be a disaster because it would cause even more “looking over the shoulder” syndrome than Americans have right now (usually due to health care costs and the fear of a drastic illness). Bush should not be messing with Social Security at all. The notion that we shouldn’t be putting money in it (i.e. it’s okay for today’s retirees, but screw you guys later… you’re on your own) is just… *shudder* Ultimately, the private account thing does one thing– help big business by allowing the financial corporations a bunch of new business as they open these private savings accounts.

Folks– we can DO THIS already. Those who have the money generally already DO.

It’s the people who scrape by day by day for their lives who need the SS money most of all.

On the marriage amendment– Bush has reversed his position twice– quickly. First he wants the amendment. Then two weeks before the election, he says he’s for civil unions and doesn’t want the amendment. Now he wants it again. He wants to legislate in religiously-specific morality into the Constitution. As for “legislating from the bench…” Some things that are practiced in the United States are unconstitutional. There have always been problems. It is the responsibility of the courts to hear the complaints of citizens who feel their rights are being trampled, and rule according to law.

Using the oft-complained about Massachusetts ruling on gay marriage– the courts of Massachusetts did not rule that gay marriage was legal under Massachusetts law. It ruled that there was nothing within the law that PROHIBITED gay marriage. Big difference, folks. It didn’t legislate from the bench. It took the current constitution of the commonwealth and determined if gay marriage was illegal, as the current laws defined. It found no restriction against gay marriage, but also didn’t find anything specifically stating that it was legal, either. The state legislature then took that ruling and started discussing a new point of law to make it clear. Which is why we had all of the debates. But because it wasn’t illegal, gay marriage has been given a temporary stay of legality in Massachusetts. We, as citizens of Massachusetts, vote on it in 2006. Only then can gay marriage be permanently legal in Massachusetts. But of course, misinformation keeps getting posted about this by the anti-marriage activists who don’t pay attention to anything beyond gays getting married.

Faith-based support? I’d like to see some non-Christian groups getting support. Better yet– I’d like to see some groups that aren’t part of the monotheistic triad getting support. Then, and only then, will I believe that this is a good thing. Until then, I still see it as a subversive way to spread Christianity.

War on Terror… *wrings hands*

No mention of Bin Laden. At all. That guy who claimed responsibility for 9/11, which Bush carries as his battle cry? The reason we supposedly went on this unwinnable (by the sheer fact of human nature) “War on Terror”? Non-existent.

Homeland security is a joke. All around America, firehouses and police stations are closing because they can’t get funding. It’s disgraceful. Particularly after the attention drawn to them on 9/11. Bush– you want to fund homeland security? Start with federal funding of the first-response organizations… the firehouses, the police stations, and the EMT’s.

This struck me specifically…

“In the long term, the peace we seek will only be achieved by eliminating the conditions that feed radicalism and ideologies of murder. If whole regions of the world remain in despair and grow in hatred, they will be the recruiting grounds for terror, and that terror will stalk America and other free nations for decades. The only force powerful enough to stop the rise of tyranny and terror, and replace hatred with hope, is the force of human freedom.”

Currently, the United States is FEEDING the conditions that feed radicalism and ideologies of murder. We have been destroying entire towns. Killed innocent Iraq’s, leaving hundreds (if not thousands) of children without homes and without families. These children are being raised in a situation where they see the anger and pain on their parents faces. Or they see themselves as having lost their parents at the enemy’s hands. They will blame us. And they will hate us. And the cycle will begin again.

Perhaps the Iraqis want to be free and democratic- but they need to discover freedom ON THEIR OWN. American-style “freedom” is quite possibly not the correct version for them. They must define it for themselves. To do this, we need to get out and leave them to solve their problems.

Ultimately, we need to stop dictating (clue into that word, please) how other nations handle their own affairs. We should be more aware of America’s role as the current world dictatorship and learn to be more humble and diplomatic.

Another thing that pisses me off…

The United States has no right, no desire, and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else. That is one of the main differences between us and our enemies. They seek to impose and expand an empire of oppression, in which a tiny group of brutal, self-appointed rulers control every aspect of every life.

While I don’t think the United States is expanding an empire of oppression… I strongly feel that we’re trying to impose our form of government on other nations. And really, from what I’ve seen… most nations, regardless of their government, are really not expanding empires at this point. They’re busy trying to maintain their own. The only one that’s invading other nations recently is *us*.

Our aim is to build and preserve a community of free and independent nations, with governments that answer to their citizens, and reflect their own cultures. And because democracies respect their own people and their neighbors, the advance of freedom will lead to peace.

The American Government does not answer to its citizens NOW. And we don’t respect our own people or neighbors. That’s absolute, utter bullshit.

On the Middle East– I’ve strongly come to the conclusion that Israel and Palestine need to get all of the other mediators out of the mix and duke it out themselves. Neither side is any more innocent than the other here. I see a Jewish state, formed after the shock of the Holocaust, building walls to keep Palestinians removed from their society. Sixty years ago, these types of walls blocked off Jews from the rest of society into ghettos. And that’s exactly what the Jews are doing to the Palistinians now.

At the same time, the Palestinians keep re-inforcing the fear of the Jewish people by sending suicide bombers in, aggrivating the government into causing more damage to Palestinian territories… and again, reinventing the vicious cycle.

They need to figure it out on their own. They’ll either figure it out that it needs to stop– on BOTH sides (not just one), or they’ll kill each other.

As for Syria and Iran– how much do you want to bet that Bush is invading them next. Say… in two years, once he gets bored with Iraq (as he did with Afghanistan?)

As for his pandering on Iraq and his closing statements… I honestly have nothing to say.

It’s going to be a long four years. But America did get the President it deserved. And it will get the backlash from other nations that it deserves as well.