Each year, I’ve done this entry for myself to look back, month by month, and take stock of what happened, how I see it now (after the fact), and how I see things going.

This year, it’s honestly impossible to go month by month. The events in my life this year have transpired over the months, overlapping like waves on the shoreline. One would begin to pull back for a while as another one came to the foreground.

Honestly– I’m fucking exhausted. Thankfully, it’s a good exhaustion for the most part. I think upon heading to the New Year’s party tonight at our friends’ house, I can’t help but remark at how completely different things are from last year, when we headed to the same house to celebrate with the same group of friends.

It has been a hard year for so many people that I know, and so many hundreds of thousands that I don’t know. 2005 definitely is a year of sadness and pain on a global scale – which makes me all the more squeamish about posting an entry that reflects on my personal year, which was surprisingly good.

I can’t ignore reflecting on this, though– it’s been quite possibly the biggest year of change I’ve had in my life so far.

This year can be summed up for my personal life by three things-

Turning 30
Getting Engaged
Buying a House

Age is a number, or so they say… and perhaps, for most of the years, that’s true. I’ll call bullshit on that for 30, though. I do feel different at 30 than I did at 29. A lot different. It felt different the morning I woke up on my birthday. My 20′s, which were a downright shitty decade of confusion and pain, were over. I was no longer the “kid” at work, or at home. I finally had reached adulthood in my parents eyes, and the need to please them and prove myself to them was no longer the important goal it once was. I met the invisible milestone– to survive my twenties. Thank Goddess.

Eleven days after my birthday, Erich and I were in the Boston at our annual Geekfest, and decided that we’d go out for dinner Saturday night. What would become known as the Blizzard of 2005 was bearing down on New England, the estimates of snowfall changing by the hour as it approached, each time getting considerably worse.

In the storm’s first hours, I experienced my most romantic night to date.

To think that tonight, one year ago, I was nearly in tears on the back porch of Chris and Sara’s house, convinced that Erich would never ask me to marry him. (I was, in fact, very drunk… but also very stupid).

Even more amusing, to think that I had been convinced that I’d never marry. Six or seven years ago, Andi, our friend Jenn, and I were sitting in the living room of Andi’s parent’s house (the last time I’ve seen either of them in person, oddly), and we were discussing our relationships. Jenn was married. She and her husband were buying a house. Andi was in a relationship (although I can’t recall if she was dating her now husband at that point). I was downright bitter and miserable about life, being in the middle of dealing with Yet Another Round of Jason Bullshit, and convinced that I was so worthless as a human being that I would never find anyone. At some point that evening, I recall making a comment that somehow, I always knew I’d never marry.

MmmmHmmm…

That alone should be the event that is used to remind me that I over-react way too often.

Event #3 of the year somewhat put a damper on the wedding plans, of course. We’re just now in the initial phases. We’ll have a date one of these days. Really. Honest.

*smiles sweetly*

And onto event #3…

365 days, give or take a few hours, ago… buying a house wasn’t even on the horizon. Erich and I commented on how we’d LIKE to buy something someday. We’d pick up the flyers in the grocery store for the “for sale by owner” ads, and dream. Deep down, though, we figured we couldn’t afford it. At least, not in New England, where we both wanted to stay. It would be years before we’d be able to put any money down on a house. Until then, we’d continue to grab those flyers at the store, discuss the type of houses we liked, and enjoy the wishful thinking.

And then Mid-March comes around, and we decide to throw all of that dreaming out the window as a house… THE house… came out of nowhere.

Here’s the fucked up timeline…

Late February, 2005– Erich makes a mention to Sara (our host for the New Year’s Eve parties), that we might be interested in getting a sense of houses in the Providence area, since he liked our friend Frank’s house, and was surprised by the price difference.

March 4th– we head to Pennsylvania for my grandfather’s 80th birthday (I put this here to drive the point that on this date, a house wasn’t even in our MINDS). That same weekend, Minarae and Petrouchka get engaged.

Thursday, March 10th- Sara (our friend who hosts the New Year’s parties) emails Erich a photo and listing of a house in Providence that just came on the market the day before that she thinks we really should see.

Friday, March 11th – I write an entry about things happening, acutely aware that something REALLY HUGE is on the horizon, but I can’t figure what.

Sunday, March 13th- We look at the house and really, really like it.

Monday, March 14th- We make an offer on the house at the asking price. Within hours, there are multiple other offers on it, and the house is taken OFF the listing market and put into a “pending” status.

Tuesday, March 15th- Our offer is accepted. Oh wait… shit. There’s that whole DOWN PAYMENT issue. Quick, start calling relatives!

April 26th- We close on the house and sign all of the papers.

Seriously– it’s the most fucked up thing ever. I would sit there at the apartment for hours and just stare at the wall.

I definitely don’t recommend anyone try this method of house buying. It’s not good on the brain.

It makes for some damn great stories and memories, though.

Six months after moving in, I still think we’re insane. I often don’t feel like enough of a grown-up to handle a house. I still can’t believe that I’m a co-owner ON a house. Yet here I am, sitting in my own office, looking out onto my own yard where the New Year’s snow is starting to softly fall. The excitement of it just hits me again out of nowhere. I OWN this. This is mine.

It’s so fucking cool.

…

Against these things, the rest of my personal year seems so uneventful. THIS is what my life has been this year. I haven’t kept in contact with people. I haven’t read journals. I haven’t made the phone calls or written letters.

And I apologize. I truly do. My introvert brain has simply gone on complete overload this year because it’s been such a rollercoaster year of growth for me.

Life comes full circle, doesn’t it? Perhaps as I get older, I’ll sit on the couch and look back in wonder at 2005, where so many pieces of my life came together and miraculously, how I recognized it as things happened.

It’s been one hell of a year.

Happy New Year, everyone. May 2006 be more interesting– but hopefully calmer — than 2005.

** removing this entry ***

Andi dropped me a surprised and pained email about this entry. Apparently my thoughts did not translate well to screen, and it misled her to think that I was talking about her no longer being a friend. Because of that, I’m removing the entry– if she can read it as applying to her, so could a lot of people that it doesn’t refer to. Which means I really, really screwed up.

I’ve sent her an email, but wanted to post this here in case she read it first….

Nothing could be further from the truth that I was talking about you, Andi. You are, and always has been, my sister and closest friend (along now, of course, with Erich). What I’d intended to get across with my entry was that you is the example of a friendship that has not been damaged by time, or distance, or events in our lives. You and I have had bad times, but somehow, we’ve always worked through it and come out on the end in a position that’s arguably stronger than before.

So Andi, no… I apologize for misleading you in my attempt to be vague, and most importantly for the pain it caused you. And hopefully my email to you will clear that up, and also why I was attempting to make the entry vague while also venting my frustration. And also to explain some other things that really needed to be said.

As I mention in the email– give me the kick in the ass when I’m being one. Because coming from you, I’ll definitely be paying attention.

~ Mel.

Christmas Day is winding down. The dinner plates are stacked by the sink to be washed. The presents are all opened and gradually moving from under the tree. What was a sunny and relatively warm day has turned to a fairly heavy night rain.

It’s been a perfectly relaxing Christmas. I needed this so much, and despite “entertaining” for most of the day, I just feel comfortable and relaxed.

Erich’s dad came around 10 a.m. We opened presents over coffee. I was thrilled with everything I received (yay money! yay new iPod!). If they were close enough, the cats were stuck with the bows from presents. We chuckled as we watched them try to figure how to remove them (they did successfully). Breakfast was fried eggs and some of the home-made venison scrapple that Mom and Jim brought early this month.

We watched A Christmas Story, then Serenity, and then most of the Green Bay vs. Chicago game. No stress, no real time table– we just relaxed and hung out. Around 3:30, Erich called our friend Purkis to see what he was up to and invited him over for dinner and possible late night World of Warcraft goodness. He accepted and showed up about 45 minutes later.

Dinner was great– cranberry stuffed pork roast with mashed potatoes, rolls, and steamed artichokes. I hadn’t had artichokes in so long– it used to be a common dinner treat growing up. I’m glad I managed to steam them correctly.

Erich’s dad left about an hour ago. The guys are hanging out in front of the TV as they play WOW (geeks!). I’ll probably do a little stitching and play some Sims before I head to bed. I’m sure the guys will crank a late night of WOW, which is fine… we’re not going anywhere tomorrow.

I did miss going to my mom’s this year, but it’s always crazy and there are so many people. I enjoyed the quiet holiday this year. I definitely needed it.

Hope everyone else had a nice Christmas!

Best,
Mel.

I’m off to get the kitchen in order for the day, but since I’m running a bit crazy, here’s an exerpt of an entry I wrote back in 2001 regarding my family’s traditional Christmas celebrations…

My grandparents, my mother, and my uncle came over from Germany after World War II. They are Polish, but were in a relocation camp (like so many thousands of people) after the war since they had no place to go. They were sponsored by a church in Easton, PA, which is now considered my mom’s hometown. My grandparents still live there, and have lived the ideal American Dream through years of hard work. The metal plating shop where my grandpa got his job back in the early 1950′s is now his company, slowly being passed down to my uncle. Unlike immigrants today who seem to refuse to blend into the melting pot of American society, my grandparents immersed themselves. They had to in order to survive. They learned English, and despite some breaks in grammar and thick accents, speak fluently. They joined a local Catholic church, and go to English-speaking services, even though there is enough of a Polish population in the area that there are Polish-language services available.

Yet even with their immersion, some things of cultural tradition remain sacred. Most of these traditions revolve around Christmas time, and the entire family gets together every year to celebrate because we know how special holding these traditions are. I rarely do a specific ritual for Yule and the rebirth of Father God. Celebrating with family for me is a ritual in itself, and in their own Catholic way, my grandparents open and close a ritual circle of love each year for the family. I am a participant, rather than the leader of this celebration.

Our big celebration is on Christmas Eve, known as the Wigilia. Everyone on my mother’s side of the family gets together at my grandparents’ house. We usually have around 14-16 people for dinner. Traditionally, one chair at the table is left open for the newborn Christ/God, but with how crowded we’ve been, it’s usually a chair set off to the side these days.

Before dinner, we all are given a large square wafer called an oplatek. Oplatki are similar in consistency to the communion wafers at Catholic and other Christian denominational churches, only rather than about half-dollar sized, they are about the size of an index card. We walk around the table, and each person breaks off a piece of every other person’s oplatek. We give each person a kiss or hug, wish them a Merry Christmas, and start the jumbled search around a busy, crowded dinner table to find another member of the family who we haven’t hugged. It’s a symbolic breaking of bread together, and unifies us as a family.

The traditional Polish Christmas meal consists of tons of potato pancakes, borsht, perogi (which are like ravioli, only they’re filled with either potato or sauerkraut), galumpki (cabbage rolls filled with tomato and rice), fruit compote, and typical veggie side-dishes, depending on the cook’s mood. No meat is present, but we usually have some sort of fish on the table. I’ve been told by Italian friends that they have a similar tradition.

After we eat, we sing a few carols. We have fold-out caroling books in case people don’t know the words to songs. We usually do the entire song. Each person at the table is encouraged to pick one, and they rotate through Polish and the more familiar English-language songs. I always stumble over the ones in Polish, since I really never learned how to speak it, but fortunately I can get by somewhat with my Russian-language background. Erich‘s theory is that if he goes and has a couple shots of vodka, his singing will probably fit in just fine on the Polish songs. He’s honestly not that far off.

Once we’ve gone through a few carols, we move into the living room to open gifts from each other. While we’re opening presents, the less-immediate family and friends often stop by, singing as they go. Someone’s usually dressed up as Santa for the little kids. The carolers pack into the hallway near my grandpa’s bar for a couple shots of vodka and salutations for the season. Soon after, they leave for Midnight Mass, and the evening starts winding down as the individual families who aren’t going to church start heading home for bed.

Christmas day is much more relaxed for us, with brunch and opening presents at home and such. The afternoon’s a bit lazier… we hang out, watch the movies on TV, and goof around with the new gifts we’ve received. Dinner on Christmas Day rotates between houses, but it’ll probably be at my mother’s house this year. This dinner is much like Thanksgiving with entirely too much food, and either a turkey or ham for dinner.

Through these traditions, I am able as a Pagan to celebrate the warmth of family love through the darkest days of winter, while my Christian family members can celebrate “the reason for the season” without any interfaith wars coming up at the dinner table. We celebrate, we love, and we share. And just for an evening, everything in the family and in the world seems to come into balance.