Measi's Musings

Archive for February, 2007

You know… I really hate when thoughts come to me early in the day, and I wonder why they’re so strong. Fucking foreshadowing. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was psychic.

My mom calls, starts pressing on the wedding, and almost immediately starts switching between “I just want to help you” and jumping all over me because I don’t have immediate on-the-spot answers to questions such as “how many rooms do you think we’ll need to reserve in a block at the inn.” Yet when I try to answer with a “Mom, I have no idea– that would require asking everyone what their plans are,” I get a snippy “that’s not what I said…” which turns into an argument, which turns into a bigger argument…

which eventually turns into me hanging up on my mother because I can’t put up with any more of the emotional roller coaster where one minute she’s insisting she’s trying to help and take the stress off of me because I feel so overwhelmed, and in the next breath is getting all pissed off and “hurt” because when I say yes, I’m overwhelmed and here’s why… she doesn’t like my answer. And then reminds me that she is paying for the wedding and if I just want to have a smaller wedding, I just need to say so and it can just be close family and friends… but she doesn’t like my retort of “and who would we cut out, Mom? My friends? Part of your side of the family? Who?”

Following a ten minute crying fit in the fetal position, now I’m pissed off and shaking so much that I’m having to backspace every few letters that I type.

I can’t fucking deal with this. If I didn’t know that I was in a completely BAD state to make any decisions, I’d be saying to hell with it all, going to city hall, getting the marriage license, not telling anyone – ESPECIALLY my mother – and just get it over with. Followed by saving money to reimburse her for the down payments on the reception site and the caterer and my wedding dress.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

I haven’t meant to be so quiet in my journal over the past few weeks (or months… or however long it’s actually been). I’m a bit annoyed that my journal seems to be evolving into something very meme-tastic with little other substance. Hopefully I can fix that.

That being said… my brain has been on one of its inner-retreat since Christmas, and I’ve embraced it completely. I made no resolutions this year. I think I finally figured out that putting resolutions to paper meant that I was guaranteed to break them. But somehow, my behavior in 2007 has been wandering down a theme – reclaiming myself.

So my free time has been filled with goofy timewasters:
– Watching the new incarnation of Doctor Who… a lot
– Watching just about anything else I can find with David Tennant in it. (currently the songs from Blackpool are stuck rotating in my head.)
– Filling my iPod with all things video for my commute
– Playing an unusually small amount of World of Warcraft
– Reading fanfic. Lots and lots of fanfic.
– Attempting (and failing) to write fanfic. *sigh*
– Stitching (although that’s not exactly a time waster)

Meditating (again.. not exactly a time waster)

Overall, I’m not exactly productive. But that’s okay.

Except that I’ve been slacking… badly… in the wedding planning department. I just am not getting excited about the planning. It’s just kinda there, and I know I’ll get it done. But I should be excited about planning a wedding, shouldn’t I? I mean… I’m now down to less than nine months, and I’m just eh…

Don’t get me wrong. I’m excited at the prospect of becoming Erich’s wife. I guess I’m just not feeling this whole pomp and circumstance thing.

And it bothers me.