Archive for the Category ◊ Faith ◊

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• Sunday, December 19th, 2010

I’m not exactly one who rejoices during the holiday season.  For the most part, it’s overwhelming to me – the parties, the insanity at the malls, the expectation to be cheery at all times and what not.  If anything, I struggle with more depression than normal during December – and most of it is holiday overload.  The fact that it begins earlier and earlier every year?  By this time of the year, it’s torture.  I nearly lost it with the chaos at the mall on Friday night when we went to see Tron.  The crowds were just so overwhelming, and I still hadn’t quite recovered from my claustrophobia during the fun, but very crowded, office party the night before.

I do try to avoid dealing with the holidays for as long as humanly possible.  If need be, I’ll pay the extra money for overnight shipping just so I can avoid dealing with it – because  I know once I make a step out into the world of “Holiday Season,” it will consume time until the 25th.  So as always, I’m doing gifts… this week.  I still haven’t started on cards, although I expect I’ll get them done this week, too.  (IMHO, as long as they’re out by New Years, I consider them on time).

I think part of the frustration is pure loneliness.  Among most of my friends, I never get acknowledgments for my religious holidays, even though theirs are always surrounded by celebration and joy (and my good wishes to them).  Yule, like other Pagan holidays, passes with barely a thought – and certainly few comments from the non-Pagans in my circle of friends (who know I am Pagan).  Even if I make a comment on Facebook to wish others a happy so-and-so, nothing is returned.  I don’t think it’s anything personal against me, but still… it’s one of those things that just makes me retreat just that little bit more.  I get that my faith is not seen as real or valid by a significant chunk of the population.  I’ve gotten that for years. But dammit, it would be nice to get some acknowledgment from the friends who have known me for half my life – during which time I have always been Pagan.

I will say this – I’ve only had one run-in with the fundie “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” obnoxiousness so far.  I replied very quickly with “Goddess bless you,” and kept walking.

Perhaps a good sitting for Yule will make me feel better.

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• Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

Since I have the time, I guess I’ll do one of these entries after all. Won’t be a month-by-month play as I’ve done in years past because honestly there’s a whole lot of blurring this year. But still, I think I can give a fair assessment of the year.

I will say honestly that my 2008 was decent. Some big ups and downs, but I am definitely in a better place now than I was a year ago. I’m happy, I’m employed, my finances are okay, and I’m both loved and love someone.

Highlight of the Year

By far, this is our trip to the UK. From the sheer fact that I was in another country, seeing another culture, sharing it with my husband, and just having a blast. Seeing David Tennant and Patrick Stewart at the RSC may have been the catalyst to book the vacation, but in no way was the only high point of that trip. We had an absolute blast on our honeymoon. No regrets whatsoever (aside from perhaps better shoes to walk in), and I know both of us have commented several times that we miss places we went to over there. It’s so strange that a place we only visited for a brief two weeks is already so dear to our hearts.

I will go back. I know I will.

Low Point of the Year

For me personally, it was throwing my back out in May, and the weeks of severe pain and fear (that it wouldn’t heal by our honeymoon) that followed. I have never felt such agony before, nor have I ever felt so humiliated as I did those six weeks of walking horrifically slowly between South Station and my office, having to sit down at least twice in that short four block span. It’s bad enough to have people glare at you for being obese (and they do). It’s even worse when they give you a sneer because you’re both obese and having to sit down because you’re physically unable to walk down the street normally – but of course don’t look like there’s anything wrong with you. Yay.

Reconnections

I’ve connected up with a lot of old classmates and marching band/sorority buddies via Facebook. It’s funny when you catch up with someone you went to elementary school with, who you haven’t talked with for fifteen years. I’m still working on reconnecting with my dad. That will probably continue to develop slowly – and carefully.

De-connections

Offline friends? None this year.

Online, I had to make some hard choices earlier this year. A fear to post my unpopular opinion regarding Who led to a reinforcement of why I was afraid to post opinions when I was semi-publically flogged in a journal entry by someone else. More b.s. followed, and I called it quits. Not worth it, and I’ve become much more careful about who I’m welcoming into my circle of friends these days, sad but true. On occasion, I doubt – did I do the right thing? Occasionally, I see their comments in other entries, but I don’t dare respond to any of them. I do miss their more enjoyable entries. But overall, I’m glad the connections are gone. I’ve learned to love LJ again, and the cons of those connections were far larger than the pros. The hypocrisy was just stupid.

Health

Is so-so. My thirties are catching up to me. On deck for 2009 is to get to the doctor for my blood pressure, which is sitting on the lower level for hypertension. My back is still twingy. I’m far too heavy, and need to start working on attempting to lose weight… again.

But I’m able to get up and get to work and get through most days feeling at least okay. So really, I’m fine.

Wealth

We’re doing okay. Erich’s Mom’s estate was settled this year. We sold his grandfather’s house, with much nailbiting before it closed. The house in Maine was refinanced to help Erich and his uncle be protected from his dad’s impending bankruptcy filing.

The house sale helped Erich whittle down his credit cards. More careful spending has helped me with mine.

So I think we’re in far better shape this year. I am worried about the economy, but at least I think both Erich and I have done what we can do short-term to protect ourselves.

Wisdom

Heh… i can has?

I dunno. I’ve learned some things. I’ve forgotten others. What makes people wise?

Faith

I have come to terms with the fact that connections are not what I thought they were. I am sad at the loss of my connection to Her, but at the same time – I don’t feel the desire to go through the pain involved to reconnect, based on my experiences during my Walkabout.

So I move on. And I have focused on things in my control, and within a scope that I feel able to do. I would say I’m spiritual at this point, but religious? Not at present. I have not sat ritual for about a year now. And I don’t regret going against what I know I was “supposed” to do during Walkabout this year.

I continue to wander. And I’ll find positives in my wandering, I suppose. I hope.

Do I still believe in Her? Yes. But I know She does not in me. It hurts, but it is what it is.

Happiness

Definitely happy, and grasping onto that happiness as tightly as I can. I’ve had far too many years where I haven’t been. I know when to treasure it.

Hopes for 2009

I don’t make any resolutions because I know I will break them. But hopes, I will state.

I hope to finally get some serious work done on our house – whether peeling wallpaper and painting, or doing something with the outside of the house, or beginning the window replacement project… something to start working on our house. We’ve had excuses the past couple years – first the wedding, then saving all money for the honeymoon.

Now, it’s time to get to work and make this house ours. And I seriously can’t wait.

I hope to do some satisfying writing this year – whether fanfic or original fiction or blogging or whatever… I want to write. I want to enjoy writing. And I want to complete some writing.

I hope to get back to stitching, and to complete at least one of my bigger projects. Ivanna’s Wedding Sampler, perhaps? Getting it to her by her 4th anniversary might be a good plan. *sigh*

I hope to find a couple of little Mom ‘n Pop food places here in RI – those places you love going to on the weekends that are nice and cozy.

And I hope to continue to be surrounded by family and good friends. Because they really are what makes life enjoyable.

And I am blessed.

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• Monday, June 02nd, 2008

Erich and I went to the wedding of our friend Kevin (and now by extension, Nicole) yesterday. Kevin proposed to Nicole on the morning of our wedding, so it felt a bit like a circle coming around to rejoin itself. This was the first wedding we’ve been to since our own – and just as some of my married friends have said, it feels very different than before you’re married. :)

Kevin and Nicole are both devout Catholics, so… full mass, of course. And somehow I was the only one in my group of friends who actually was used to the rhythms of Mass (having grown up in the Rite I Episcopal by parents/Roman Catholic by grandparents household). There were a couple “Wait… why is Mel still KNEELING? Oh crap, all of the Catholics are still kneeling!!!” moments. Even though I no longer believe, I still find said rhythms comforting. It does allow someone who’s not completely opposed or wigged out by the formalities to find a quiet headspace fora while.

Of course, the frequent standing/sitting/kneeling routine irritated my bad leg, too. Made for me being much more careful to stay put at the reception. :)

In any case, the wedding was beautiful, Kev and Nicole both looked fabulous, and the reception was at a yacht club on the North Shore on a fantastic afternoon.

Good times by all.

Never got around to fixing the zero-room website coding this weekend. Just got too busy. Hopefully I’ll get to that at some point this week in the evening. I’m very amused that every single pissed off comment from the who_anons have been negated. Since they bitched, we’ve had 20 new members. Their claims of drawing non-D/R shippers have proved false as well. I’ve dropped emails to the classic Who writers I see over on alt.drwho.creative, and I’ve been inviting some of the folks who write fic over on the DWF to come on over… including the people who create their own fantasy series of the show (where a group writes a season in digital form). Interest is mixed, but hey… it’s getting the word out there. :)

I’ve managed to gather all of the missing colors of embroidery thread that I need to kit up the unfinished stitching projects in my stash. So sometime in the next couple weeks, I’ll get all of the new bobbins wound, get a rotation set up, and get to work. With gas prices as high as they are, I forsee being a homebody this summer and doing a lot of stitching.

So yeah… busy weekend. :)

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• Wednesday, December 26th, 2007

Watched VotD again this morning on my commute to work.

yet another spoiler cut of Rassilon

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• Wednesday, December 19th, 2007

- I have listened to John Barrowman’s Another Side quite a few times lately. I absolutely adore his versions of Time After Time, Weekend in New England and Heaven. His version of All Out of Love is quite good, too. (Is it just me, or am I hearing his Scots come through on that? Maybe I’m just too used to Russell Hitchcock’s Aussie…) It’s a fantastic album top to bottom, IMHO.

- Took last night off from all things fanfic once I posted the first half of my fic due yesterday. Needed to for my brain’s sake. Getting back to it today. Once I get the rest of the OT3 fic posted and finish up the pinch hit piece I’m doing for OSK, I’ll be taking a writing break for a while. I have cross stitching that’s screaming at me to get done.

- I really need to get my Christmas cards finished and mailed. At this point, folks MIGHT get them by New Year’s…

- I really need to buy something for my dad & his wife today. *sigh*

- My friends list on LJ amuses me, especially the random threads about sex toys. :)

- It’s sad that I’m excited that Erich and I are buying a snowblower. But I suppose that’s what you have to look forward to when you’re married and homeowners. Goddess, I’m turning into my parents.

- Speaking of Goddess… two days until Yule. I probably should get on thinking about what I’m doing this year.

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• Thursday, November 01st, 2007

One of my friends on LiveJournal asked me for some rough religious differences between Paganism and Wicca yesterday, since she, like many people, don’t really understand alternative religions. In the middle of that post, I included a nutshell list of my own religious and moral convictions.

As part of the new religious year, I feel it’s appropriate as my Thursday Thirteen.

Thirteen Convictions of my Faith:

1) Belief in both Goddess and God, both as individual forms and as the universal life force that binds everything together.

2) Casual adherance to the Wiccan Rede (“An’ it harm none, do what you will”)

3) Strict adherance to the Law of Three (Anything you do, good or bad, will return three times as strong to you.)

4) The entire world is my ritual space. I create sacred space where and when I feel the need, rather than having a set space to worship.

5) A belief that the Divine and Nature are inseparable because the Divine gives energy to Nature. Under this belief is also the need for balance – cause and effect, positive and destructive, life and death. All are on an endless loop, constantly renewing themselves, then destroying themselves, and then renewal once more. The seasons of the year are the most visible example of this.

6) A requirement to rededicate myself every year, on the anniversary of my initial initation. (Lughnasadh, Aug. 2nd).

7) A belief that the soul rests after death, and then is reincarnated to learn the things missed in the last lifetime as well as exposure to new things

8) Marking the eight Sabbats through ritual (which I haven’t been good at as of late). The names I use for them (there are several, depending on trad) and dates I celebrate them are: – Samhain (Oct. 31), Yule (Dec. 21), Imbolc (Feb. 2), Ostara (Mar. 21), Beltane (May 1), Midsummer (June 23), Lughnasadh (Aug. 2), Mabon (Sept. 23)

9) No importance placed on the 26 Esbats – while I admire the cycles of the moon for their beauty, I have never felt a pull to mark them religiously.

10) A belief that mundane means should always be used before magickal means to solve a problem. Spellwork is not part of my ritual, unless I really need to focus my energy on a problem. I use it only as a last resort.

11) A belief that humans can touch and join with the Divine, albeit temporarily, through different methods – meditation, Drawing Down the Moon, and consentual sex being among them

12) A rejection of the idea of sin, both original and ongoing. Sin is something that you will pay for after death unless you repent. I do not accept long-delayed consequences to actions and feel that “sin,” as taught in Christianity, tends to be a “well, we really don’t like that you do this… but we’ll give you a loophole to feel better about yourself later through pennance” type action. Wrongdoing brings negative consequences (again, the Law of Three) here and now. We are all responsible for our actions toward others and toward the world.

13) Strong belief that faith is fiercely individual – my beliefs are only as valid as the respect I give to the right of others to have their own beliefs. This doesn’t mean I have to agree with others’ beliefs, or even respect what they believe in. But I do have to respect their rights to believe in something different than myself.

Comments are welcome on this Thursday Thirteen. You are welcome to disagree & discuss.

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• Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

but I sat.

And it was good.

Except for my circle crashing down a bit hard on my head as I attempted to release it. And some very shaky grounding technique post-ritual. My hands and feet are still buzzing.

*sigh*

Drew cards to reflect. Standard ten. I really, REALLY don’t like the look of the Tower in position #1, but I’ll see where the rest of the reading goes as I reflect (cards don’t come naturally to me). Lots of sevens and nines. I think I pulled all four nines, in fact.

I’ll sit again on Friday out on the dock, post TBS degree. Fellow sisters are welcome.

And with that, I must finish my cider and go collapse.

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• Tuesday, October 30th, 2007

So… I’m planning on sitting Samhain ritual for the first time in, well… a while.

Partially because I have someone to quietly mourn and farewell (my mother in law).

Partially because this year’s Samhain definitely is the passing of a time in my life.

Partially because I haven’t sat ritual in quite a while.

Partially because I do, honestly, feel a yearning to sit.

I’m now at the point with ritual that I don’t remember my own circle casting by heart. I used to have it to memory. I haven’t cast a circle in, gods, two years? Three? Something like that. I’m a tad rusty. My athame’s probably a tad rusty, too.

Le sigh. I’m a bad Pagan.

The real question is whether I sit tomorrow night, or do I wait until Friday, go to the TBS 1st degree, and then go out to my college ritual spot – the dock – and sit there. I haven’t been out there in a few years. It is tempting.

But then again, I haven’t exactly sat ritual at my own house yet, either.

Decisions, decisions…

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• Thursday, June 14th, 2007

It’s been a very busy week. I’m so ready for the weekend so I can catch up on some sleep.

For this week’s Thursday Thirteen, my list of accomplishments for the week (both good and bad). Most of them are wedding-related.

1) I found a wedding photographer! We’ve chatted briefly through email, and will hopefully talk over the phone within the next couple days… both of us are just having those “gah, can’t talk now” weeks. But yes… photographer is now getting setled.

2) All of my bridesmaids have been contacted and have info to go dress shopping and such.

3) Erich and I picked out our invitations. We still need to decide on the wording – but they’ll be ordered this week.

4) I had a LONG talk with my mom about the emotional b.s. that erupted two weeks ago. I still don’t feel that she gets my point of view at all, but supposedly she’s put out the fires down there. To a point. We’ll see. BUT, at least two things were settled, in my opinion-

    4a) Erich and I are handling the Unrehearsal Dinner, so she can stop obsessing over it (we’re having a BBQ at our house… housewarming for the relatives & relaxed afternoon in one).
    4b) My relatives are accepting, in their own levels of acceptance, that we are not catering to their whims with our wedding vows. They can accept a Justice of the Peace ceremony, or they won’t. The alternative is for us to NOT compromise out of respect for their religion, and go back to a handfasting. But that’s what it is. Full stop.

5) I made my first dress fitting appointment.

6) I contacted vendors for my hair/spa day, flowers, and cakes. All still unresolved but in the works.

And for the non-wedding ones…

7) I wrote 1,500 words on my fanfic for a challenge due July 1st. The minimum wordcount is 1,000 words. That was never a problem. I’m probably about 1/2 done with the first draft. I hope to have it done within the next three days, give it a once-over myself for editing/reworking, and then send it to my beta editors.

8) I figured out what the weird triffyd plant is in our yard that has grown about 15 feet in two years (no. Really. – 20052006) It’s called a Northern Catalpa. I finally was able to figure out what it was once it started flowering this week. Between the flowers and the leaves as big as a human head, I was able to narrow it down pretty quickly yesterday.

9) I’ve somehow managed to lose 10 pounds, entirely through stress and non-eating over the wedding. It’s just enough to make my pants feel like they’re going to fall down.

10) I covered an entire day at front reception at work without needing a single cup of coffee.

11) I stupidly got in the middle of a cats-figuring-out-the-pecking-order fight last night between Colley and Hoodsie, and managed to land a pretty nasty set of scratch/bruise marks when Hoodsie latched onto my leg in defensiveness. It looks nasty, but doesn’t hurt.

12) I bought a new battery for my iBook, so I can start writing during my commutes.

13) I levelled my character in World of Warcraft.

Productive week. Very productive week.

- Mel.

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• Wednesday, June 06th, 2007

Erich and I called my mother – and got her answering machine. She didn’t call back.

Color me surprised. She probably will eventually call back – a week or two from now, citing how she’s “so busy.” That’s been her excuse for the past month or so now. She keeps bringing up things that she “needs” to get for me for the wedding, but never does.

(and of course, when I asked her for them point-blank in an email, she ignored my request and then went on the aforementioned religion rant).

Of course… you know… I apparently have loads of free time on my hands. From conversations with my mother, she seems to be under the impression that I still live according to a college schedule, even though she’s more than aware that I do a 12 hour day five days per week – kinda has to happen when you live 60 miles from your job.

And I’ve only been out of college for a decade now. *snort*

Ah yes… I’m pissy about the wedding today. What else is new? Honestly… other than the wedding I’m fine. But I’m seriously starting to feel time pressure here, and while Erich’s trying to convince me that we’re fine… we’re right on top of things…

and in reality, we’re probably fine. But I always panic to get myself motivated to bust my ass into gear.

I’d really, REALLY like to get this phone call out of the way, however – even though I’m quite certain I’ll be both sobbing and puking my guts out afterward, based on my physical reactions to just trying to make the call last night.

Whee.

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• Thursday, May 31st, 2007

So… 24 hours after the email that revealed the religious bigotry of my family and their attempt to blackmail the format of my wedding ceremony? I’m completely devastated. Absolutely at a loss. I’ve never felt so alienated from my family in my life.

And for those who have known me for a few years – yeah, much bigger than with my father and our falling out four years ago.

I’ve ranged from complete numbness to absolute rage to having to excuse myself at work to go cry in private. And I’m just fed up. Right now, I don’t want any of my relatives at my wedding. Frankly, I think they’re out to spoil the day for me by making it about themselves. And I already get the sense that some bullshit will happen at the wedding that will leave me in tears – and not of joy.

I’m literally right on the edge of cancelling the wedding and running away with Erich to Vegas. Or, at this point saying fuck all to being nice and considerate of my family’s feelings and going forward with a handfasting rather than the considerate-of-all-faiths secular wedding. Erich recommends we have one more talk with my mom.

I envy his hope. I truly do.

Erich’s also at the edge with this – who, per an email this morning, is so emotionally exhausted due to the last two months dealing with his mother’s death – that he’s unable to really think coherantly about this.

What he did do this morning, however, was to mention something that in my rage I’d forgotten about. Driving up 95 through Providence toward the train station, he looked over at me and quietly said “By the way… happy anniversary.”

May 31st. Six years.

Committment, honor, love, stability, respect, growth – these are the things we’ve developed in our six years. The good, strong foundations of a relationship. I don’t understand how that’s not enough for my relatives.

I truly don’t.

I can’t see how any joy can come from continuing this wedding planning.

I’m just…

.

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• Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

I got to discover that I’ve been forced out of the broom closet with my pious Catholic family.

And how unaccepting they are toward me dictating how I will say my own wedding vows… which are already being done in a secular ceremony out of respect for their religion.

Whee.

Joy.

*pounds wall*

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• Tuesday, May 01st, 2007

Good morning Boston! You see that beautiful big bright ball in the sky? That’s the SUN. That thing that we haven’t seen a whole hell of a lot of in recent weeks.

And guess what else? It brought that other foreign thing – WARMTH.

So play hooky so I can live vicariously through you, please.

thank you.

/public service announcement

———————–

One thing that I really need to learn to stop doing (although it is oh, so much fun) is not to have Beltane-related celebrations at one in the morning. *cough*

But like I said – it is quite fun. ;)

I had to do a reluctant trip to $tarbucks this morning for a venti chai latte to help me wake up today. I didn’t put enough nutmeg in it, but it’ll do. Whether or not I stay awake today, though, is a mystery.

It’s been a weird couple weeks in the Geekywitch household. Erich interviewed for a new job two weeks ago, and found out last week that he’d gotten it. He gave a week’s notice (due to being so miserable), and now is enjoying a week to catch up on stuff at home. He’s taken the very daring route of vowing to clean up/out our entire house this week. And to my surprise, he’s actually doing a pretty damn good job of it so far. He’s got a list of all of those annoying little projects we really, truly need to get done. He’s just working through them.

And the new job starts on Monday. I really hope he’ll be happy there.

The only downside of this change is that I’m commuting from Providence to Boston on my own from now on. Erich will be driving to his new job (still in Massachusetts, but not all the way up to the city). Some mornings I’m sure I’ll commute part way with him, be dropped off at a random MBTA station, etc. But it’s a little weird being on my own again, curled up on a T car, letting my mind wander aimlessly as the scenery flies by. I’m hoping that once my brain adjusts to the new “routine” that I’ll be able to make my nearly 3 hours of commute time per day worthwhile with some writing, some stitching, etc.

Life certainly doesn’t slow down, does it?

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• Monday, April 23rd, 2007

I’ve been quietly following this case for a while. I was shocked to see it on CNN a couple minutes ago when I was checking the news…

Wiccan symbol OK for soldiers’ graves

I’m honestly not surprised it took so long to get this approved, but at the same time, I was astonished at how absurd the VA was in dealing with the families of these men and women who sacrificed their lives for this country. Well… no, I’m honestly not.

To say no, you can’t have your own religious symbol tastefully put on your marker. Why? Because it’s a pentacle. And therefore, it’s bad. *snort*

In my less than official opinion, someone who has died defending this nation should have the right to put any symbol they want (or their family wants, on their behalf) on their gravemarker – whether it’s a cross, a star of David, a pentacle, or the Discordian apple.

Hell, let them put the Flying Spaghetti Monster on the stone.

I think they’ve earned at least that small little right for what they lost.

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• Tuesday, October 31st, 2006

Blessed Samhain, all. :)

And for those not celebrating that particular part of the holiday, Happy Halloween.

I’m playing the part of Quiet Urban Pagan today. One of my coworkers who knows me quite well took a look at me and asked “So where’s your bling for the day?” She saw me in non-descript autumn clothes. The only trace of my Witchy side is my knotwork pentacle pendant around my neck.

But that’s who I am.

Over the years, I’ve found myself distancing from the over-the-top gaudiness that I used to covet in Salem. Sure, it’s fun to dress up and “Go Witch” every once in a while. But for the past three years or so, I’ve moved into a quieter, contemplative type of faith. It started when I stared down at the garnet-jeweled pentacle that I always wore around my neck and wondered exactly what I believed. Was all of my practice just an act to hide who I was? Had I really grown as a person in my faith? Where was my Path going? Did I even belong on a Pagan path anymore?

The answer to the last question was answered for me- a deciding yes. I also discovered, though, that I was resistant to truly digging down in my beliefs and challenging them. It’s harder than one might think- but I needed to do it.

I took my pentacle off. I’ve possibly worn one a handful of times since- and today, I felt I needed to. It feels strange and heavy around my neck. I keep fiddling with it, rubbing the pentacle medallion as if it’s charged with something (even though I know that it’s not).

I plan to sit for ritual tonight, and see where these quiet thoughts are leading. I don’t expect to get answers– but hopefully I’ll get a nudge in the right direction.

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