31 Days: Aware – Measi's Musings

Since I was little, I’ve played a careful balance between two things – my natural introvert instincts, and the ability (although exhausting) to be social when needed. I’m able to play the butterfly when I need to. Put me in a writing environment like my blog or penpalling letters? I can go on for days.

But I truly am much more comfortable being in the position of just watching what’s going on around me. Most of the time, I’m happy to be around people but not actively engaging all the time. It’s a learned behavior to some extent. I grew up used to my brother taking up most of my parents’ energy for a variety of reasons. I wouldn’t say I was completely self-reliant, but they could trust me to stay out of trouble and just do my thing while their attention was elsewhere. I was the.. “responsible one.”

I think a lot of that “responsibility” tag really comes from the ability I’ve learned over the years to read the room and to figure out how to approach things. If there’s one thing that absolutely gets my anxiety flaring… it’s not being able to read and react comfortably in a situation. I will absolutely clam up when I’m not sure where to step.

I’m fairly confident in my ability to be aware and able to explain what’s going on around me. When I’m not sure, it’s pretty apparent… I tend to be in the constant fight or flight state of mind. Sometimes I just disengage from a situation entirely – either because I’ve figured out that it’s not something I want to be involved in, or it’s something I’d desperately like to be involved in but see nothing but pain for myself or those I love if I were. Often times, it’s a mixture of the two.

Or maybe I’m just waiting, keeping apprised of what’s going on, knowing that in time, things may improve where I can engage in a way that’s beneficial… but that right now isn’t a good time.

I’m in that situation with some of my family right now. And I hope that it’ll get better in time. Until then, I’ll just keep my eyes open, my ears sharp, and listen quietly to the inner voice that has guided me without fail through my life to where I need to be and when.

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This post is part of my annual participation in the Write 31 Days Challenge. This year I am joining a group of writers on a Five Minute Free Write journey throughout the month.