Restoration: Day Two
Finding the balance between writing by hand and uploading to Substack will take me a little time to get used to – I apologize for not getting this up earlier. This is Day Two of the Restoration course from the Open Journal Club.
The past week has been a bit wild. Honestly, May has just been a crazy month. Between a “we put this off so now it’s an emergency” expensive house repair, a full boat of body-eyes-teeth medical appointments, and general work craziness in my busy season, I thought I was already full up on stuff to deal with for May.
Aaaaand then my husband got the word that his department was going to shut down at his current location and move back to the company’s headquarters. And he had to reapply for his current job at the new location.
Cue all of the stress. I won’t lie… I’ve been in a bit of a dark place for the last week or so.
I have always been a glass half-empty sort of person. Actually no – I’m a glass half-half-empty sort of person. I will always be finding the worst possible scenario. Is it because I want to protect myself against a hard landing? Do I think it’s a way to keep from being disappointed? Regardless of why I’m doing it, I don’t think it’s ultimately productive. I think it just wears me out faster. I spend so much time worrying that sometimes it’s hard to actually start moving. I freeze myself in place out of stress. It’s such a waste of energy, eating at me, finding spaces and cracks to put a little more negativity and self-doubt.
I have a long history of this. Much of it is self-induced, but I also received a lot of emotional knock-downs as a kid that I’ve never quite been able to shake off. “You’re the smartest person in the room” —→ always translated to “You’re a know-it-all.” “Let’s let someone else answer that” (in the context of school) ——> I stopped answering anything. I struggle with self-confidence and self-esteem. I am the FIRST person to criticize myself and rarely let up on the self-guilting. And sometimes, like this past week, the really bad emotions bubble up to the surface and threaten to overwhelm me completely.
It was a rough week, but thankfully my husband’s job is still his job. There are new issues on the horizon – his soon-to-be insane commute, and the resulting reconsideration of where we live and what to do next.
The world doesn’t stop, but I need to find a way to stop myself for a little bit because I really am mentally exhausted.
I hope that you are able to find some rest. Somewhere along the way, I’ll figure it out. 🙂
Be well,
Melissa